I will fully admit I had a rough day yesterday.

I wallowed. I really wallowed for a bit.

Going to the OB/GYN is never fun for a woman, but it can definitely be hell for a childless woman. Let alone getting news that is it quite possible that IVF triggered my useless ovaries to develop painful cysts which are now causing major back pain, and having to remind my team of doctors that IVF didn’t work for us, there is no baby, and yes we are done trying.

I cried.

I pouted.

I talked.

“I’m frustrated.”

“I’m pissed”.

“It’s not fucking fair.”

Then life somehow pulls you out if, but only if you have your eyes wide open to it.

I had some amazing sessions with clients. I reminded myself of my own session with my therapist. The puppies finally played in the deep snow and made me laugh just when I needed to. And three of my favorite little boys left me a voicemail and sent me a video text message.

chooseAs my therapist reminded me earlier this week, “You have chosen what to do with all of this. You could never not be Ever Upward; always growing, learning, changing, educating, evolving, and figuring it out. “

And she’s right

I didn’t get to choose that I would spend a year of my life in a body cast after two back surgeries. I didn’t get to choose that IVF did not work for us. And I definitely didn’t choose that my body feels like it is rebelling against my childless status right now.

But I can choose resiliency. I can choose to speak the truth about IVF and loss. I can choose to connect with others through our stories. I can choose where I go from here and who I want to be. I can choose my ever upward.

My clients also reminded me this week as they continue to fight for themselves, change for the better and not be their pasts, their  struggles, traumas or losses.

I choose to fight too.

My dogs reminded me to get out of my head and to just laugh; watching them play in the snow is pure joy.

I choose joy.

And finally, three of my favorite kiddos, begging me to come play Just Dance 2014… well nothing makes me smile more than that.

I choose love (and fun).

Life, God, Mother Nature, Humanity, whatever you believe in, will always send us the message to remind us that there is a higher purpose to our journey.

We simply have to be open enough to choose it.

So wallow, but just for a bit, we are totally allowed.

But be careful of sitting in the shit for too long, you just might miss the message; the moment of pure joy, the love, the choice of your ever upward.

24 thoughts on “Wallow, But Just For a Bit, Then Stop Sitting in the Shit

  1. Jennenn says:

    (((hugs))) We all have moments like this. I know we are all in different phases of placed in our journey but I know that certain days I think about the road I’ve traveled and become so angry. Then, I remind myself of some of the wonderful things my therapist taught me and I accept that it’s okay to fee like this. It’s okay to grieve for something I may never have.

    I’m so sorry friend. Feel free to email me anytime if you want to talk about it okay?


    1. jlbf4 says:

      Thank you love! I know you completely get it. I’ll email you today!


  2. busynothing says:



    1. busynothing says:

      “Then life somehow pulls you out if, but only if you have your eyes wide open to it.” This is so true, and right across life’s difficulties. I know I “negative scan” for problems or worries. I wish I didn’t, but I almost feel guilty when I don’t. Like I’m bad or in denial if I’m not focusing on the one bad thing or the one worry. Like it is irresponsible of me or something. This just makes me hyper-aware, overcritical (of myself) and is a bit of a waste of all the joyful bits. I don’t know if it is just how you’re raised or how you’re wired or what. I find that counting blessings or keeping a gratitude list helps shift the focus. And I know that from an evolutionary angle being aware of “danger” is healthy… but I think we go too far that way. Kudos to you for keeping your eyes wide open!


      1. jlbf4 says:

        It’s how were wired, raised and our life experiences! Check out Kristen Neff ‘s book Self Compassion, love it and helps us to learn to be nicer to ourselves and not beat ourselves up! It me me a while to get to this place, an slots of work, tears and anger… ❤


  3. Marie says:

    I need to check out that book on self compassion too! Thanks for a reminder I needed to hear – I had a bit of a wallowing-init moment this morning


    1. jlbf4 says:

      I love Kristen Neff’s work, she has a great website too!


  4. kymlucas says:

    So well said. Sometimes life just sucks and we deserve to be upset, but it can’t go on forever.


  5. This post is old so I almost didn’t comment. But I needed this reminder today, so I will. Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. One my faves! So glad you found it helpful!


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