It’s been two weeks since my dad’s life changing accident. I’ve been back home for a week playing catch up with clients, paperwork, writing and housework.
I’m also playing catch up with recovery.
Life happens; we fall behind in our self care, behind in our recovery, and all of a sudden we are fighting our own gravity of relapse.
The song Gravity by Sara Bareilles is powerful in it’s own right. As a mental health therapist who works with clients struggling with addiction the power of the lyrics were solidified when Mia Michaels choreographed a dance to it on So You Think You Can Dance years ago. Today the lyrics hit home as I can feel the pull of old ways on me; the gravity of my own relapse.
Being home helping family meant I didn’t make myself, my recovery, a priority. I am the first to admit that recovery is multiple choices I make every single day to be the best version of myself; it is exercise, it is writing, it is meditation, it is reading, it is a nighttime routine, it is expressing myself…it is a huge pain in the ass. But they are daily choices I must make to live my wholehearted recovered life.
I am carefully minding the balance between being gentle with myself in that I did the very best I could given the situation I was in and being frustrated that I didn’t fight harder for myself and my recovery. I wasn’t in my own home. I was helping during a very stressful time for all of us. I wasn’t eating the way I normally do. I was around someone who doesn’t believe or honor, and sometimes even actively denies, my story and recovery. I was way behind on sleep. I did the best I could but I know now I need to choose better next time.
Fighting the gravity of relapse, meant that I still made sure to listen to my play list every morning I got ready. It was the one daily choice of my recovery I made sure to practice even during the stressful time.
Fighting the gravity of relapse, means that I slowly get back on track with my daily choices, adding new ones each day until I am back to what it takes to maintain my ever upward light.
Fighting the gravity of relapse, means asking for help from my loved ones and getting in to see my own therapist this week.
Fighting the gravity of relapse, means doing better next time but giving myself a break on this time.
Fighting the gravity of relapse, means giving myself permission that I am always learning, growing and figuring it all out along the way.
Fighting the gravity of relapse, means writing this to own my struggle because it is in this ownership that I will find my recovery again and simply take the best next step forward.
Because, it is only within the honoring of this battle that I will make it part of my journey in my ever upward life.