I’ve been having a slight existential crisis lately; between finishing up the book, Ever Upward and coming up on a year of submitting to agents and publishers (over 220 of them) and the success (although the desire for more) of this blog and my continued journey in finding my faith again and today being the two year anniversary of the bittersweet day of the last negative pregnancy test, ending IVF and learning to accept a childfree life; I am finding myself feeling all sides of everything, over-feeling and over-thinking, doubting and just plain struggling.
How can I balance this desire for the blog to blow up and the book to get published, both for validation of my story and for the wider outreach to help others but also because I think it just has to with knowing my story has already touched and helped so many? How do I let go and trust that what is meant to happen will happen, as it has never been in my hands to begin with?
How do we sit with the be all, end all questions, what is this all supposed to mean? Why did this happen?
Aren’t we all wondering the why?
Why does the 35 year old mother of two young children get late stage colorectal cancer?
Why did he cheat?
Why did she have to die?
Why did he have to fall?
Why did they leave?
Why didn’t I die?
Why are they lying?
Why did this have to happen???
But, I’m not sure we will ever get to know the why.
And, what I think I am learning is that some of our answers can maybe be found in our almost enough moments.
You know those moments where you look up (to who or whatever you believe in, for me it is God) and say okay, I get it. I would not have this if that had all worked out. Or I would not have this if I had not lost that. But really, that just doesn’t feel like it’s quite enough? So we question it; I get it, I’m thankful, but it’s still not enough for all that pain, all that suffering, the never to be’s; I sure hope you have more, better, in the works.
I am also learning we all have to figure out how to open ourselves up to these almost enough moments, really embracing their capacity for awe.
Can I have the presence and gratitude to embrace that piece of almost enough? And, have the faith that I might get to see the pieces all fit together one day? Better yet, can I have the presence and gratitude, and patience, enough to have the faith that I just may not get to see them all fit together and that the almost enough is, well, enough?
Because without a doubt, I have some pretty amazing almost enough moments…
Being McKinley’s godparents.
Being asked to be in the delivery room to help bring baby Smith into this world.
Having every moment with our chosen family.
Attending all the piano recitals, church concerts and ball games of all our chosen children.
My friends through Emerging Women, The Daring Way™ certification and this blog.
Our Christmas morning tradition of going to see what Santa brought our chosen children.
The healing journey of writing my book.
A better marriage.
Building our family home, Mason house, for all our friends and family to grow and enjoy with us.
The continuing journey of my blog.
Becoming a better therapist.
My improved relationships.
The happier, healthier me.
Fighting for me, fighting for my recovery and rediscovering my light.
I could go on and on, because I am able to wholeheartedly say, the list of my almost enough moments truly is endless.
My soul will always have the scars of my three lost babies, of three lost dreams, of three never to be’s. But, I can choose if this is my whole story and I can also choose to move forward, having the faith that everything is exactly as it is supposed to be, no matter the why.
But, can I trust and have the patience that these almost enough moments will lead me to more understanding and that my suffering, better yet, my story, will end exactly as it is meant to? Learning to have the patience and faith that I just might never get that final moment of what I think would be completion, understanding and the good enough reason for my sufferings.
So I must figure out how to be okay with that. I must learn to be whole without those enough moments. Trusting that the sole purpose I think I have found is really only my plan, and I’m not sure I really get that say.
But I also have to keep that in check with this part of me that yearns for my losses to mean something bigger; to change the world and help others. It is this part that asks, why else would I have been given this path in life? Why else would I have suffered the way I have and lost what I have? What would the point be of that? Am I that undeserving? Or is this my punishment for something? Surely, it has to mean something; two back surgeries, a year in a body cast, two rounds of failed IVF with a surrogate, three lost babies and fighting for recovery can’t just be it, can it?
And, there it is again… Why did this have to happen to me?
I am not sure these questions come from the best part of me. However, I also know I wouldn’t be honoring myself if I didn’t allow this doubt a space to question; and maybe that is the point exactly.
There is only so much we are capable of, and probably allowed to, understand in this life. Maybe, it will always be this constant balance between finding my purpose through my story of struggle, making sure it means something more, at least to me, and trusting that it will still mean just as much without the soul completing clarity I so desire.
Because, all those almost enough moments…well, maybe it’s up to me to embrace them as my ever upward, which really makes them the more than enough moments.
But, it has only been through my sufferings and my fight for recovery that I have been able to really see, let alone embrace, these moments as being more than enough.
This is ever upward.
And even, my soul scars.
Allowing every single almost enough moment to really be more than enough…this is my ever upward.