It has been a whirlwind of a few weeks for me with the birth of my namesake and newest chosen child Abigail, the signing of my book contract for Ever Upward and my first podcast interview for infertility advocacy with Julie at Fertility Revolution.

It has been a few weeks full of fear, exhaustion, love, excitement, pure enough moments and a sense that my ever upward is truly settling into my core, my spirit, my everything.

Building the platform for the book and doing my first interviews for infertility advocacy and for marketing Ever Upward has forced me to zero in on my message (more to come on this in a future post). It has also helped me to continue to wholeheartedly own all the parts of my story with brazen courage. It has also lit a fire inside of me that has brought me some considerable clarity.

Telling my story has brought me this clarity and the words to understand more of my why. This sense that even the painful, unlucky and just plain crazy parts of my story are okay; they are my path. They are simply my puzzle pieces of life.

These crazy twists of my life:

  • not one, but two, back surgeries both with a body cast.
  • IVF and gestational surrogacy not working for us and losing our three babies.
  • and the unexpected expansion of our surrogate’s family, and therefore, my chosen children family.

are really enough to make anyone bitter, angry and forever scarred.

However, on this side of surviving infertility and recovering thereafter, I have come to embrace that I may never get the good enough reason why these things have happened to me. And I don’t have to have this understanding to be okay or to even be fulfilled and happy.

And, as I have worked within my faith recently, I am also realizing that perhaps this is simply meant to be my story while also having the faith that it is not the end of it. Because I know with my whole heart that I have never done anything to deserve this amount of hurt and pain in my life. And even though I’ve always deemed myself as just unlucky, on this side of recovery I can truly say that this has nothing to do with luck at all.

DSC_1050Because as this light becomes more and more clear within me, what I am finding is that this is simply the reason I am here. This is my star soon to shine. I have loved which means I also have to choose.

I have to choose what I do with my story.

I have to choose what I do with my soul scars.

I have to choose to make it ever upward.

So, it is with more and more clarity and understanding of my why that I am still figuring out the how. Because, really, it is the how that everyone wants to know.

How did you survive two back surgeries? How did you survive living in a body cast? How did you survive losing three babies?

How have you not only survived but thrived?

In all honesty, I am not sure.

I have survived by fighting.

I have survived by practicing recovery.

I have survived because I didn’t give myself any other choice.

I have survived because I have let go of needing the complete understanding of my whole why.

I am surviving because I am here; writing, struggling and owning it all every single day.

I am surviving, recovering and thriving because that is the light, the love, the soul of ever upward.

16 thoughts on “Understanding More of My Why While Practicing the How

  1. Catherine says:

    So, so beautiful. You are gifted with the ability to express. It’s no surprise to me that you have gotten a book deal. Congratulations!


    1. Thank you so much Catherine! Had to go more self publishing route but I know the message is needed so I trusted my gut. Thank you so much for the read and comment!


  2. nicosbia says:

    Incredible you have been through so much and still positive. It is inspiring, thanks for sharing.


    1. Thank you so much, I think we all can do it, just have to fight for and find our own way. Thank you for the read and comment!


  3. Love, love, love this! I do believe there is a purpose for all of the pain and suffering we endure. I’m not sure what it is, but I think this post is the closest thing to making sense of it all that I’ve found. I’m excited to see what else you’re working on!


    1. Thank you so much for the read and comment! So glad you found something helpful in this!!! Much love!


  4. Elisha says:

    Awesome on a book! That’s huge!


    1. Thank you Elisha! Scary, and huge, and awesome, and… scary. But aren’t the amazing things of our lives always? 😉


  5. Lisa says:

    Thanks for linking up on my blog, Justine. I’m so excited for your book, and I’m so excited for the Fertility Revolution podcast, too. This is such a graceful and beautiful post!


    1. Lisa, Thank you so much! Thank you also for the help and opportunity you provide to help me build the platform! Just had my first intro meeting with the publisher and had someone send me a mock up for a potential cover which was amazing! Thank you so much for your support! So thankful to have “met” you! J


  6. schrendria says:

    Thank you for sharing your story. I also had three miscarriages and it was the most painful experience I gave endured. I have asked every question that you asked. I wish I could say it gets easier. We learn how to deal with the things that we cannot change.
    And change the things we can.


    1. You are so right. Thank you for reading and for your kind words!


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