A deep knowing breath.

The warmth of a soul scar healing just a bit more.

A sense of truth, understanding and validation.

This is just a tiny sense of what I felt when I read these words from Lindsey Henke in her Still Standing post.

“But in my opinion a mother isn’t born when a child is born. A mother and father are born when the dream of a child is conceived.”

There are times when I allow my comparison, scarcity and shame to dim my light and I am fearful of sharing my story. This fear is born out of the messages I tell myself. The messages that have actually been said out loud to me. And, the messages that society drills into me.

There will be some who will never ever consider me a mother. The ones who say I didn’t try enough. The ones who judge my decision to not adopt. The ones who say I must not have wanted to be a mother badly enough. The ones who say I didn’t lose because our three babies were only eight cell embryos.

I will never get full understanding from everyone, let alone validation. But, I will still speak my story. I will own all the parts of my story. And, I will continue to fight and break the shamed silence that surrounds infertility, miscarriage, infant loss and recovery.

But, I will not do so to convince my deniers.

I will do so because if I don’t I simply am not living my ever upward.

If I don’t I am not practicing my recovery, that I fought like hell to get to.

If I don’t I am not following my light.

Becoming a mother

I became a mother the minute I posted my ad on the surrogacy message board. I became even more I became a motherof a mother when I met Michelle. I became even more of a mother when our embryos were transferred into her loving and mothering uterus. I became even more of a mother the days we received the call that none of our babies were strong enough to even implant.

I am a mother with empty arms here on this earth. I am a mother who parents her children on this side of eternity. I am a mother to many people and things in my life.

Simply, I too, was born a mother the day I dreamed of becoming one.

I am a childfree mother who lives a childfull life.

This is me.

This is my light.

This is my ever upward.

Always redefining, finding ever upward

We dream and then sometimes we lose.

We suffer and then we rise.

We struggle and then we thrive.

These are choices we must make each and every day. These are my choices to let go of what was never meant to be mine and to make sure it wasn’t for nothing. Because I know I am a mother and more.

These are our choices to embrace our stories, to redefine and own it all.

This is life.

It is sad.

It is amazing.

It is ever upward.

*To read more about our surrogacy story and my recovery to preorder your copy of Ever Upward: Overcoming the Lifelong Losses of Infertility to Own a Childfree Life.*

If you found this post enjoyable, inspiring, helpful, hopeful, interesting or even infuriating 😉, please take the time and the chance to share it through your social media! More shares means more eyes, means more people helped and the message heard on a wider scale. Thank you! Justine

15 thoughts on “When We Become a Mother or Father

  1. Reblogged this on emptyhands2openarms and commented:
    I am very pleased to reblog this post for the purpose of sharing with others that there is hope in IF and here is recovery and finally yes RESOLUTION. The details and experiences of the above differs as much as there are differences of experiences with infertility. I have much respect for Justine and her message of hope in the midst of pain and the continued effort she puts forth daily to continue “Ever Upward” Well written, well shared and well lived!

    Like

    1. Thank you so much! Your words mean so much and thank you for sharing with your readers! Much love, Justine

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for much Renee for the pingback! It is pretty amazing being Aunt! Thank you again! Justine

      Like

  2. mombie says:

    Beautiful. Just beautiful. I’m having a hard time typing through some tears.

    Like

    1. Oh my gosh, thank you so much! This was sitting in drafts for a while but just had to get it out. Thank you for reading and commenting! Justine

      Like

Be Brave, ask a question, leave a comment or provide feedback!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: