Part two here.

We like to check the box. We quickly categorize. We think in black and white.

Therefore, we also like to feel in black and white.

Happy or sad. Angry or joyful. Disappointed or at peace.

My education, training and professional experience have always taught me that this black and white thinking is simply not how we are wired. But our society does not embrace this much and the messy complicated gray of feeling too much of anything, let alone feeling conflicting things at the same time, has many of us are numbing and self-medicating ourselves to the utter loss of us.

However, I did not truly learn and embrace giving myself permission to feel it all, and feel it all at the same time, until going through and surviving the infertility journey.

Losing three babies, not being one of the success stories and choosing to define my own happy ending means I must choose to live the rest of my life making the room to feel it all.

Sadness with joy.

Trust with longing.

Parts forever missing and yet choosing to do the work to be whole.

Through giving ourselves permission to feel it all, all at the same time, we allow ourselves to move the the dark.

With this work, we make room for the light.

This is my hope.

My hope can no longer be that everything works out the way I wanted. My hope can no longer be that if you just try hard enough, never give up and do everything right, you will get what you think you deserve.

My hope is moving through the dark to make room for the light. My hope is in trusting there are no mistakes and choosing to do the work to respond to it with love, light and courage.

When hope grows up we give ourselves permission to feel it all, and to feel it all at the same time, because only then does our light shine.


Tomorrow we’ll talk owning our enough; our truth.

“I said to my soul, be still and wait without hope, for hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love, for love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith, but the faith and the love are all in the waiting. Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought: So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.”
~ T.S. Eliot


Don’t miss my new coloring journal, Taking Flight, now available via CreateSpace!!



6 thoughts on “When Hope Grows Up: Part 3

  1. artemise says:

    The ambivalence of feelings doesn’t make easy our journey. And for me since I accepted to see the darkness I can imagine the light…


    1. Embracing feeling it all at the same is messy and not easy but I promise is where our peace and clarity lie. Thank you so much for reading and commenting! Justine

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Allowing myself to feel it all, all at the same time is one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done, if for no other reason but it required allowing myself to be in a place of vulnerability that was unfamiliar and scary and uncomfortable. I’m better at it now than I used to be, but it’s still hard and I still don’t like it. It’s not a one time thing though, it’s a process that has to be repeated over and over and over again. It’s sofuckinghard but so worth it in the long run.

    I’m resisting the urge to word vomit in your comments section….today is a hard day and this post is a well timed reminder.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. On some days this is an every fucking minute choice, the complicated fucking gray ;). Word vomit away my friend, word vomit away! Oh and of course the therapist in me is wants to make sure you have read Brené Brown’s books and TED talks… :). Love you! Justine


      1. Sometimes every fucking minute here too. This week, for example. I have three sisters. Three pregnancies. 16 (and counting) consecutive months of at least one of them being pregnant. Left out-ness is the feeling of the week, combined with genuine happiness for them. It’ll pass…eventually. 🙂

        I haven’t read Brené Brown’s books but I have seen one of her TED talks (the one that made her famous, I believe). Maybe that’ll be my assignment for the weekend. Recommendations?


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