Part four here.
The woman who did not try hard enough or long enough.
The woman who gave up on her dream to be a mother.
The childless woman.
I suppose I may live the rest of my life proving these judgments wrong, but not to you or for you but for myself because they are not my truth.
My hope, especially my hope for the future, has meant finding the peace and clarity within the lifelong losses of infertility and my work of being okay.
I do not honor myself, especially my babies, by allowing my whole story to be my struggles and loss. I only honor myself and them by doing the work of forever healing.
This is the work for all of us who have survived any struggle, trauma, loss or tragedy in our lives.
We choose to do the work. We choose how we are forever changed, and yet, always healing.
What I do with my life is my legacy on this earth. And the same is for you. Our legacy is left with every breath we take on this earth. By the love we share with others, how we walk with nature and the work we do, but most of all in the connections and relationships we have with others in our lives.
My legacy will not be in my own biological children or in how many books I sell or how many clients I see.
My legacy is left in how my soul transforms your soul, in how my light shines into your light and how my love influences even just a tiny bit of your own metamorphosis.
My legacy is my choice.
When hope grows up we choose the legacy we leave.
“I said to my soul, be still and wait without hope, for hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love, for love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith, but the faith and the love are all in the waiting. Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought: So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.”
~ T.S. Eliot